Poem: I want to tell my parents.

Sometimes I want to tell my parents
about how life hit me hard
at an age as young as 21,
how I got my heart broken
not just once,
not just twice
but innumerable times.
I want to tell them
how lonely I feel at times,
how I spend my sleepless nights crying
until my eyes swell up
and close unknowingly
without even trying.
I want to tell them
about all those people
who betrayed me,
about the friend
who used me,
about the guy
who broke me.
I want to tell them
about the stranger
who rubbed his hand
against my shoulder,
looked at me like a predator,
held my waist
in a crowded place
so that I won’t be
able to recognize his face.
I want to tell them
about how badly I crave
peace of heart
and peace of mind,
how my head explodes
with unbearable thoughts
and lead to severe headaches every night,
how I feel abandoned
and believe that no one is mine.
I want to tell them
about my anxiety and triggers,
how little things would
make my heartbeat race,
body heat and lead to shivers,
how I feel a knot in my throat
when I try to speak while crying,
how I face all the criticisms
but I’m still trying.
I want to tell them
how I wish that I could
pour out my heart in front of them
but I fear that they
won’t ever understand,
I fear that I won’t be their
flawless child anymore.
I wish I could tell them
that I’m not the perfect child,
I’m scarred to my heart
and broke to my soul.
I’m flawed in ways
they don’t even know
because with their child,
the world was never kind.

The stars

What if the stars in the sky above
see us every night
and mumble to each other about us?
What if they look down at broken us
and think of helping us heal?
What if they just see us broken, hurt,
discouraged, devastated, crying
and then they break themselves
and fall so that we can make a wish, believe in hope and the power of the universe?
What if they are destined to fall for us
so that we can stand again?

Open letter to the one who moved on

To the one who moved on.

It was not the time to. It was not the time to let go of me so soon. Maybe it seems too soon to me but too late to you. I just want to know how did you forget the love you wanted to last forever, how did you let go of the girl you planned a future with?

Was it easy to end the 3-year-old love and move on? How did you do that? Because I’m stuck. I’m stuck in a spiral. Every time I take a step forward, I come back to the same place, I started from. But you, you took a step forward and not even for once looked back. You did not look back at the disaster you left me with.

All this letting go and moving on isn’t something I am capable of. I fear I’ll never be able to get over you. I fear that a part of you will always stay with me. I’m hurt to the core. Seeing you with someone else and doing everything with her that you dreamt of doing with me makes my heart pain and my soul scream.

I know, promises were broken, misunderstandings crept in, fights became a part of our routine, love came to an end but we never ended in bad terms then how did everything get bad as soon as you moved on. Why do you not want to face me anymore? Do you fear my questions or do you feel guilty of not keeping your words?

From,
The one who’s still trying to move on.

An open letter to 2020

Dear 2020

You took so much from me. You took away the most important person from me, you took away my dreams, my aspirations and myself. I just felt lost every time. You made me feel so lonely that I was bound to stay in a room for days.

I’m not grateful to you for almost everything. I feel that you’re a cursed year. What good did you bring to the world? Nothing. Nothing was right. Not a single person lived without any problem but yet we survived you, we went through you.

I’ve so many complains from you. Why did you take away my love from me? Why did you leave me with this anxiety which isn’t ready to leave me now? Why did you take away my dreams? You just made me waste a year of my life. I could’ve done so much but I wasn’t able to.

I’m happy that you’re getting over soon and I’m getting out of you but this time with no expectations, hopes and resolutions. I’m just going with the flow now to make myself and my life better without expecting anything from anyone. It’s hard but I’ll get through it all just the way I got through you.

Caged.

It was a new morning but everything seemed different. The darkness faded away with the night but not from my life. I stood in front of the mirror draping a saree, wearing bangles and applying a bindi and sindoor. Like a newlywed bride, was what I was expected to look like today. A modest smile to adorn my face and a pinch of shyness.

“Is this what I want?” I questioned myself. The wedding was over, the night came to an end and a new dawn rose. But today I did not feel myself anymore. It was a different woman that I saw in the mirror. Today, the morning did not bring happiness and hope on my face. My freedom and independence were snatched away as I found myself in marriage.

“Do I love him?” I asked my heart. It did not reply, neither did it say a yes nor a no. Then I knew, I was not made to be here. I’m just 23, I had a lot of time to explore myself, to explore the world and to start new beginnings every day. But this was not the kind of new beginning I ever dreamt about. This phase was not in my plans. I’m worth much more than just cooking, cleaning and keeping someone I don’t even love happy.

“How did I turn out to be like this?” From an independent woman who always took a stand for herself to being confined within the four walls of the house how did my journey come to an end this way? My journey was not supposed to end. I’ve always been ambitious, I had dreams to fulfil. I had wings to fly in the vast sky which have been cut down by someone I don’t even know well.

I did not just cage myself but also caged my heart and mind from expressing itself to anyone. I caged my happiness, ambitions and dreams for others happiness.

You are gone.

I checked the calendar. 28th June, it showed. 3 years back, this day became the best day of my life. But today, instead of holding onto you, I’m holding onto your memories.

I peeped through the window and it seemed as if even the sky was crying looking at my fate. The morning which should’ve been brighter than the sunshine felt gloomy. I went out, drenching myself in the rain with your flashbacks popping up in my mind and feeling excruciating pain in my heart.

I walked and walked until I reached your favourite restaurant.
“Two cappuccinos topped with whipped cream and chocolate sauce?” the waiter asked.
“Just one today.”

Things change with time and people change too. At the end of the day, I no more go to a home now, I go to a house, an empty house which just triggers the void in me. At the end of the day, I don’t have anyone in front of whom I can lighten my heavy heart. You see, this is how being alone feels like. It sucks.

I walked back into nothingness. As I opened the door of my house, the spaces left in my heart were hit hard by the void. It felt as if I didn’t open the door to my house but to the emptiness which has made a place in me.

Love sees no religion.

He performed namaz five times a day and she was a follower of Lord Krishna, the god of love. They believed in their religions but in humanity was what they believed more in. Their eyes matched and hearts pondered. Her eyes reminded him of the shine of the crescent moon that showed up at the night of eid. His voice reminded her of the melody of Lord Krishna’s flute.

Love was growing inside their hearts as it sees no religion, culture, status or caste. They found their comfort and home in each other irrespective of all the differences. They respected each other’s choices and loved with all their honesty and heart. With time, their love grew and they became inseparable.

But the world did not acknowledge their love and they were separated from each other. The detached souls couldn’t convince to let their love survive because, for people, humanity and love come after religion, culture and society. People got so engrossed in protecting their religion and image that they made the world’s biggest mistake.

Their daggers had the power to end the beautiful souls but not the power to end their love. A father’s hand didn’t shiver while killing his daughter, a brother’s eyes didn’t shed a tear while letting his sister die and a mother couldn’t gather the courage to protect her daughter. And once again, the world proved that humanity is dead.

With it ended another story of love, a love which could have lasted forever. With it, the world proved it has the power to end the purity of love and society proved that dignity and the social image is more important than humanity. But some stories don’t end so soon. Their love became eternal just like the love of Radha and Krishna.

Rape and death of humanity.

A father couldn’t get a last glance of his daughter,
A mother couldn’t kiss her daughter for the last time and bid her adieu
And a brother couldn’t hold his sister’s hand for the last time and promise her to get the perverts who brutally raped her punished.
She was cremated and burnt down into ashes in the dusk of the night by the law.
Once again, we failed as a nation.
Today, once again, we failed as humans and even humanity bowed down in shame.

Social Media Toxicity.

I’ve been using social media for almost 10 years now. But the level of toxicity I’ve started encountering now was never the case almost 5-6 years back. Social media has become so much about likes, views, shares and comments. Each one of us has become a victim of this vicious cycle. If someday we receive fewer likes, comments, shares or follows, it affects us mentally. We have started to work for the algorithms instead of working for ourselves. I myself experience a change in my mood when I receive fewer likes or comments someday and this is the case with almost every person who is trying to build an identity of their own or trying to get recognition on social media.

Social media has become so much about shaming, insulting, criticizing and judging people for being who they are. Be it, bloggers, influencers, writers or artists, the negative comments of people don’t just leave their way and torture them emotionally and mentally. Social media toxicity is hampering the growth of individuals. For some, writing, blogging, drawing is not just a hobby. It is their livelihood. People make it their full-time work and earn from it so if you can’t support them then don’t even let them down and make them lose their passion.

I come across comments on some bloggers posts in which people tell them to fix their body, facial features, the way they dress up etc. I see comments in which people abuse the bloggers and influencers for wearing revealing clothes and body shaming them. Stop making people feel that they are inferior or unworthy of anything. Stop spreading hatred through your words. Words are really powerful so choose them wisely. They can either destroy or make people’s life.

To every person who spreads negativity on people’s post, who the hell are you to judge someone? You people won’t be able to do even 1% of what bloggers, influencers, writers or artists do. If you can’t value their efforts, then don’t even disgrace them or make them doubt their self-worth because a single comment of yours can lead to massive consequences.

So stop making people doubt themselves, stop making them question their worth and stop tagging them as failures. You are no one to judge anyone else. We are all happy the way we are, we are all comfortable in what we wear and we are all beautiful the way we look. We don’t need to please people. All we need is to please and satisfy ourselves. All we need is to become a better version of ourselves.

Have you ever experienced Writer’s Block?

Ever feel like you can’t write anymore or you are out of creative ideas or you have some great ideas in mind but are unable to express them perfectly? If it happens with you then there’s no need to get upset. You are probably facing writer’s block. It happens with even the best of writers.

You don’t suddenly become incapable of writing. It does not mean that your creative imagination or the power of expressing your feelings, experiences and thoughts has ended. Your desire to write did not end, it is still alive. It’s just a temporary condition which ceases soon.

There are several reasons for experiencing writer’s block. It may happen due to fear of not being good enough, lack of self-confidence, striving to be perfect (which is not wrong), distractions due to work, calls or messages, procrastination or exhaustion and tiredness.

The question here is how to overcome writer’s block?
There are various ways to overcome writer’s block-
• Change your environment by writing in a cafe, a park or where ever you feel soothing and comfortable.
• Spend time with family and friends. It will help you ease your mind.
• Ask your followers what they want you to write about. You’ll be flooded with numerous ideas.
• Meditate, go for a walk or run.
• Take a break from writing and read books, doodle, paint, cook, listen to music or do anything that interests you.
• Write randomly about anything. Write about what you did all day, who you talked to or just pick a random word and write about it without worrying about the grammar, punctuations or structure.
• Create a writing routine or schedule.

The ways to overcome writer’s block are endless. These are just some of the ways to overcome writer’s block. Don’t get demotivated, lose hope or stop writing forever because once you overcome this situation, you’ll be writing again with the same enthusiasm and passion. Let the fire of writing in you keep burning and shine like a star.

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